Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore

Sheesh. I know I'm usually the naive one in the crowd, but give me a little credit! :P

And, yes, I'm still taking notes.
 

Suzy: I hope those notes are being taken in your Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club Notebook (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions).
 

ANY kind of whipped cream?? Does it have to be the kind from the can? Can I make my own with a mixmaster? :-)
 

Mr. Mancuso,

As a card-carrying member of the Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club, I feel compelled to request reimbursement for club fees.

I was to understand I would be receiving an Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club Rainbow Marker Set along with my Dirk Mancuso Fan Club "Scenes From a Gay Bar" coloring book.

I'm pleased with the coloring book, Mr. Mancuso, especially the interactive "pop up" feature. However, the Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club Rainbow Marker Set was not included with the book. I had to resort to Crayola scented markers, the fumes from which instigated of my spells. I don't think I need to tell you how traumatized I was - all because you didn't include the markers in my order!

This was a major disappointment, as I expected Dirk Mancuso to treat his Fan Club members with the dignity and respect we deserve.

Please rectify this situation as soon as possible.
 

What if it's just a generic notebook? Am I kicked out of the fan club?
 

Aaron: Homemade goodies get extra points. 'Nuff said.
-----------
Trout: Hee hee. You said "rectify."

Ahem.

Please know that The Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) takes seriously its role in keeping our promises to our members. Watch your mailbox for a replacement Rainbow Marker Set as well as a complementary set of Dirk Mancuso "Furry Dream Guys" scratch and sniff stickers to help make up for any inconvience or "spells" this may have caused you.

And as always, have a fanTABulous day.

Sincerely yours,

The Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions)
------------
Suzy: I am not even answering such a ridiculous question. Just get an Official Notebook already. I don't want to have to tell you again.
 

Be as loud as you want, Puddles. ;)
 

Very revealing!! I never pictured you as "loud" for some reason.
 

Oh my god..too much information...too much. (ok, some of them I already knew)

Trout, hilarious!
 

OHHHH, love the ear babe...
 

Whoever didn't know Dirk was a bottom, raise your hand.
 

Melissa: Please take note of the wording of #3..."More of a catcher than a pitcher."

In my circles, we call that versatile, hon, but I was worried if I used that term Suzy would inundate me with more questions when she should be concentrating on getting that Official Notebook.

So for the record, Melissa, Dirk is versatile. And jolly good at it.
 

You can just bite me. And then you can send me the Official Notebook.
 

Suzanne: You will and I do mean will refer to the Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) bylaws.

And I quote: "All bitchery shall be null and void except that initiated and spewed forth by Mr. Mancuso. Any violation of this can result in penalities up to and including lifelong expulsion from the Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions)."

I trust we are clear on the matter now, Suzanne? Go...get the notebook as instructed. We're finished here.
 

eek! Yes sir!
 

I feel left out of loop. How I can get my hands on an Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club Notebook (can you only order them, or are they sold in stores), or even better, how do I get an actual membership to the fan club? Are we talking yearly renewal or is it a lifetime membership?
 

Mr. Dirk Sir, I am so glad to hear you are MORE of a catcher than a pitcher and not always a catcher like me. Now I can continue with my fantasy of having your love child. Oh by the way the temporary Tattoos that came with the membership package won't come off! Now I have Dirks Slave Tattooed across my chest and I won't tell you where I put the Tattoo that reads Dirk's cum receptacle. You are so mean but in a good way.
 

That ear is hot. ;)
 

Hey I never got my

Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club Colorforms Book

I guess I'll just stick this on my old Trapper Keeper.
 

Most insightful.
 

Dearest Teddy: The Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) Colorforms were recalled due to safety issues -- concerns were raised involving the dye used in the product when some fans began licking the likenesses of myself.

Please know that your concerns are important to us and be on the lookout for your Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) Pencil Pouch in your mailbox one day soon. Zippered, trimmed in faux maribou, and featuring a likeness of yours truly, this pencil pouch is the perfect accessory for school, the office, or a night on the town.

We regret any inconvenience or "spells" this may have caused you.

And as always, have a fanTABulous day.

Sincerely yours,

The Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions)
 

Many people such as yourself, who are drop dead gorgeous, don't think they are good looking. I have never seen you but that ear is as cute as a bug. What am I supposed to do with the official Dirk Mancuso fan club dildo? It is too big to be useful, Don't tell me it is actual size. Another thing where the hell is my autographed picture of the Dirkster that was promised?
 

Hey it's not versatile, it's "accomodating" :-)

I love list posts.

I want in the fan club; I'll send my dues immediately. Just tell me what docking is for fuck's sake.
 

Dear Ed: Your letter had all of us here at the Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club Notebook (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) breathing a heady sigh of relief.

We had wondered where the Official Dirk Mancuso "Weapon of Ass Destruction" master mold had gotten off to. Please return it to us postage paid us as the orders are piling up.

Regarding the autographed picture, we here at the Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club Notebook (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) prefer to think of Dirk as being ethereal, intangible, the total essence of homogay...Dirk is all things to all people and therefore to capture his image would be akin to staring into the heart of the sun for any length of time. Or watching a Hilary Duff movie without blinking.

Please know that your concerns are important to us and be on the lookout for your Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) key chain with attachable lip gloss holder, perfect for those on-the-go days when your lips get a full cardio work-out from all the schmoozing and air kisses. Also enclosed you'll find a sample of our Official Dirk Mancuso lip lips gloss, Vanilla Sins (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions).

We regret any inconvenience or "spells" the dildo may have caused you.

And as always, have a fanTABulous day.

Sincerely yours,

The Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions)
___________

Shondra: Your application for admission into the Official Dirk Mancuso Fan Club (All Rights Reserved/Copyright 2006/"I'm a Big Homo" Productions) is under review at this time.
 

I'm planning to start the Dirk Mancuso fansclub here in the Philippines hehe!
 

The giant W.A.D. is on its way. You are so right, to see your likeness would be like looking into the face of God, I'm sure I would be struck blind and yet I'm willing to give it a try. I am so much your super fan and am looking forward to receiving the key chain my lips are chafed from kissing the W.A.D. don't worry I cleaned it well before packing it up. What? Me, you think I have the imagination of a six year old? Oh Dirk you flatter me.
 

Giant WAD. lol
 

Jesus, I should never type when tired...
 

You are just too fucking funny man, too funny!

I love your letters and lists stints!!! Priceless!!!
 

This is fucking great! The post and the comments!
 

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now. Keep it up!
And according to this article, I totally agree with your opinion, but only this time! :)
 

This is a great post. I just had one of the ‘Doh!’ moments and ran back to correct my own site before publishing my comment. You see my own comment form did not match what I’m about to advice. I get less comment than you, so never noticed any problem. I’ve changed it now anyway so here goes.

study abroad
 

I read about it some days ago in another blog and the main things that you mention here are very similar